Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
