had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
