I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
