I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
