I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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