yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i drank out of a bidet.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
