Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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