I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
