stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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