Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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