Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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