i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
