I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
