All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
