today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
