I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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