this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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