I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
