Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
