just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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