i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
