I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
