you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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