i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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