I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
