I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
