somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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