is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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