awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
