Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
