next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
