3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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