I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
