Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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