Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
