What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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