I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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