you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
