Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
