watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
