im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
