How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
