Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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