if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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