He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Vodka?
Forever.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
