She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
