the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
