I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
