The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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