Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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