I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm both gender and math confused
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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