Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
