dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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