I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
