Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
