I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
