My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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