There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
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They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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