i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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