Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
