I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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